Logan's speech therapist, Katie, just left. This week went a bit better for me than the first visit. The first visit was just hard! I really wouldn't consider myself a proud person but I felt a tinge of shame and jealousy as Katie just seemed to really connect with him. By the time she left she had diffused a rather heated tantrum and taught him 2 new signs. Watching her in action was fascinating. She was mimicking any sounds he made and added a few of her own. I felt like I was the third wheel in a monkey cage. I realized something after observing the Jane Goodall of toddlers... I had no idea how to help Logan speak.
So after a week of speaking in two word sentences and sabotaging Logan's play, he now can add "choo-choo" to his repertoire of spoken words. I could kiss that train set my mother-in-law gave us.
This week with Katie was more pleasant for me. I decided to observe more and simply be taught at her feet. I'm no help to Logan if I'm too busy feeling sorry for my imperfections.
Sometimes my confidence as a mother is so easily shaken. Other times it's so clear to me what I can contribute to my family. I've always believed that it takes a village to raise a child. Having lost a parent at such an early age forced me to really connect to those outside of my family circle. Now, as a mother, I'm tempted to accept an implied expectation to be his everything. To teach him everything, even if it's beyond my ability. This leaves me incredibly empty and sad for myself because I always fall short. It makes motherhood a very heavy burden.
So now, as I open the door to Katie, I welcome this woman who can help us communicate with one another. She is part of my village that will help me raise my child. She is not a reminder of what I could not do alone but a reminder to me that there is hope for the chasm that I cannot fill.
I look forward to meeting the other villagers who will have a hand in Logan's life.