Monday, October 24, 2011

Change. Ugh!

What to write since the great toss into the sea of change.

The end of August proved itself a very unfortunate time for our family.  Nathan found himself without a job.  I was not shocked by the news.  It's been four years of well...hard.

That was the initial toss.  It felt more like a catapult.

But the toss back was positive.  Nathan is in school full-time and has already decided on a major.  Engineering. He's doing remarkably well.  Just what the doctor ordered to lick the wounds of an abusive situation.  And he quickly found another lab job to pay the bills.  All is set with him.  There is focus and drive in his eyes everyday and I'm grateful.

Even I was getting into it.  I have been planning on going back into teaching for the past 6 months.  Gathering ideas and simply getting excited to work again.  Now was my time.  I was ready to jump and get this family back on its feet.  Then...another toss.  Pregnant.  And so happy about it.

But we're still out to sea with so much unknown and no land in sight.

That's been the latest.  The waters have steadied and I'm getting used to the movement but I just can't seem to get a plan to work.

I keep grasping for a solution; keep trying to connect the here and now to our future plans and goals.  Like how to survive the next 4 years while Nathan is in school.  Luckily I've had a load of art commissions but it is so hit and miss.

But through all of this I feel so cared for, so totally remembered.  I can feel the growing pains and know that I'm exactly where I need to be.  I know we will look back on this time with reverence.  Just as the disciples witnessed Christ stilling the waters at their most frightened hour we will see the power of God in our own battle for ground.

It is my goal that in 6 years I can, with sincere love, bring Nathan's former boss a pie and genuinely thank him and forgive him.  Then I will kiss my darling husband and children, wipe my hands, and call it done.  No bitterness, no more heaviness.  Just gratitude and love.  That is what I want most.


Jana said...

What kind of pie? Because I am thinking that if you make the kind of pie in "The Help," you might not have to wait six years... Just a suggestion.

Jennifer said...

Ha ha ha! That's why I'm waiting so long to even consider it!

Laura said...


Congrats on the pregnancy! I hope it goes well for you. Remember, babies CAN camp! Change is so hard. Sometimes don't you just want Heavenly Father to say, "Here's the itinerary for the next 5 years - now go and do it!"? I have no problem going with the plan, but when you're not sure what the plan is or whether or not the plan is going to work out - it gets difficult. Best wishes for figuring it all out. I know, cliche, but it WILL work out... it always does.

P.S. I love your photography. Thanks for sharing!

Kelly M said...

Jenn, you are one amazing woman! I love your photography (Oh, how I wish we lived closer and you could take some of my kids!!!), I love your art, I love your writing, and I love your awesome perspective and faith. Congrats on the pregnancy! Hang in there, it will all unwind and fall into place. In the meantime, I'm just gonna try to be more like you!!

Jennifer said...

Laura, I guess that means I have no excuse come Labor Day! Mary has already made me pinky swear not to skip out next year.

Kelly, you are such a sweetheart. I wished you lived closer just so we could hang out! I love reading YOUR thoughts and perspective on life.

Thank you both for such great encouragement!