Shaking Off the Holiday

I can genuinely say my love for the holiday season is dwindling as I age.  I can start to feel this lump of stress begin about October and a quick release come January.  After some contemplations over the subject I've decided to get all Christmas shopping done now when the sales are hot and the stress is not.  My stress management strategy has already proved successful and budget friendly. 

Now that I've shaken off the holidays I'm left with loads of time, energy, and pictures to blog.  And a few videos!  Yea!  I've dreamed of owning a camcorder with my quirky toddler on the loose.  So expect some pretty funny stuff.  Logan has a happy Momma with a new art medium!

Speaking of art, I have been working on a few things these past few months.  Some are done and gone sans documentation (shame on me) while others are in the middle of the process.  I have a portrait who is screaming to be finished (little Jenny) and a mess of small paintings who are eager to be born.  I'm also in the middle of decorating my living room and kitchen and believe it or not it isn't always "...so awesome" to decorate your home with your own art.  Any little uncaught mistake becomes a twitch in my eye.  Anyway, here are some of the works.

 Kitchen triptych.  Boy, I can't wait till this little beauty is done!  I thought I had it then the lighting changed as the sun came down and I no longer loved the cool yellows.  I've warmed them a bit and I'm really loving them again.  The first painting looked nothing like that a week ago.  It had two other leaves that were competing so they had to go.  I need to add some more branches to add some weight and make it more balanced.  I also want to add more reds to the browns.  Painting in progress!

 Isn't he a good easel?  Anyway, working on 3 paintings for over the sectional.  I have the frames already, just need to fill in with paintings and mat.  I've had these frames since the fall.  Inspiration has not been kind to me on this project.  Thought I'd just start drawing and see where it takes me.  I know I want color and I want all three to be similar but unified.  This is a start of three.  Plants in front of window.  Sort of inspired by this little pastel on the right.  I did this years ago while student teaching.  Hmm, pastels.  Maybe...

Oh, one of my dearest friends, Sy Snarr, took our family photos this year.  There were so many good ones my living room is basically filled with photos of Logan.  This captured moment was my absolute favorite.  It had to be enlarged to full capacity and displayed in a place of importance.  I recently had it framed so it feels like new artwork to me. 




This was a impulse painting.  More of a bored afternoon painting session.  There are two but the other is very similar so I didn't post it.  I put one on each side of a mirror that used to hang where the new family masterpiece photo now hangs.  A little Christmas inspiration.
And, again, isn't my little helper so darling?


So, therein lies some of my holiday projects.  Kind of fun. 

Thoughts on Life, Death, and Motherhood

My mom fell this morning.  Fell and broke her humorous bone.  The top of the humorous bone to be exact, right underneath her shoulder.  She's stuck wearing this sling and swath that comforts her but also aggravates her independent nature.

She fell dancing in the kitchen.  We giggled over that often throughout the day.  Every time she reported the episode to the ER attendants she had such comedic timing and wit.  Even in obvious pain she can still charm a room.


I wouldn't say the ER visit felt routine by any means but there was a certain familiarity to the situation.  One of us the patient while the other the designated nurturer.  When I was pregnant with Logan I wanted her there for my stress tests (when Nathan was not able).  When she needs any minor visits I'm always available to drive her.  We're good at comforting one another.  Making each other smile when anxiety is high.

After I had her settled into her house (and sling) I went to get her some groceries.  As I'm walking the aisles at Reams I couldn't help but feel this blanket of fatigue and overwhelming sadness.  I kept telling myself, "I will not cry in Reams.  I'm not losing it in Reams."  The day's events finally registered.  I switched from dutiful daughter to scared little child.  Mom fell.  She broke her arm. 

When I was in 6th grade my mom tripped as we were walking on a dirt road.  She fell right in front of me and she hurt her knee.  I was shaking inside and plagued with the idea that one day she would die.  That idea terrified me.

I had some of those same feelings resurface today.  After I dropped off the groceries and made sure she was okay and properly drugged (this woman has never taken more than 400 mg of Ibprofen) I headed home. Once I was on the road I could finally have the good cry I'd been fighting.

My mom is 69 years old.  And I fear the day when I cannot call her.

I know I shouldn't fear.  I have great faith that this life is not the end.  I have faith that I will see those I love again.  I just never applied that to my mom.  She's my Mom.  I can always go to her.

As I pulled into our carport, I collected myself before I went in.  But it didn't last long.  Nathan and Logan were starting a fire in the fireplace and wanted to know how I was.  The poorly collected dam of emotions broke and I sobbed.  Uncontrollably.  It felt so good to let all the fear out.  With evident concern that surprised me, Logan kept reaching up to me saying, "Up!  Up!"  I picked him up and got the biggest hug those little arms could bear.  And I saw the unsteadiness in his eyes like I was rocking his world by falling apart.

I gathered myself I declared it was time for Mommy to nap.  I was relieved to see the reassurance return in Logan's face and he took my hand as we walked Mommy to bed.

I can't help but consider two things.  The frailty of this life being one.  You'd think I'd know about this having lost two parents already.  But it is still an abstract idea to me.  That this life will end one day for me.  For my Mom.  For all those I love.  That this life isn't the end.  That we will all move on.

I felt fear and worry today.  It was too close. I can feel myself shielding my Mom from the inevitable; I'm throwing my body in front of hers saying, "You won't take her.  Not her!" 

Which leads to my other tugging thought.  How central, foundational, root-like are Mothers.  I felt it today as I held my Mom's hand as she was overwhelmed with the news that she is not indestructible.  And I can't shake the look in Logan's unsettling glare as I cried.

Maybe I needed to feel this today.  I have felt the value of mothers as I faced the idea of losing my own.  I have always valued my Mom.  But I tend to undervalue myself as Mother.

I actually hope I can hold on to this feeling when I get tough on myself.  When I fool myself into thinking perfection in this life is attainable.  That any mistake I make will out do the good.

I'm so grateful for my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I may never get over my deepest fears of losing my parents.  At least not on my own.  But I know from experience that when the time comes that I will get through it.  That the spirit will carry me and return when I need comfort.  

I'm laughing a bit inside as I reread this.  It's 3:00 in the morning and the only closing thoughts that come to mind are, "And all this from a broken humorous bone while dancing in the kitchen!"

Go figure.